All the emotions

When I was pregnant many people tried to explain all the excitement and worries I would feel as a momma. I thought I had a realistic expectations about life as a parent but boy was I wrong.



I really think it is an indescribable experience. And since it is indescribable I am not sure why I'm even going to try to explain it but I feel the need to. Just bear with me.



When Graham was born I laid in the delivery room staring at him. It was the most unbelievable moment. It sounded something like this, "He is precious. I am so in love. OH LOOK AT HIS HEAD!" The conehead was frightening but it was the most perfect head ever. I felt a love like I had never felt before. As we were going to my hospital room I heard a baby crying down the hall. Graham wasn't with us but I instantly knew it was my baby. I wondered how on earth I could know his cry so distinctly when he had only been born a few hours before. Our connection was unmistakable.



The love and admiration was quickly followed by fear. I feared everything. What if I hurt him? What if I can't provide enough for him? What if I forget about him in the car? What if I can't be a good momma and do all the things that good mommas do. I felt sure I would scar him for life somehow. My mom stayed with us for the first week and she was my savior. I cried and cried the day before she left because I feared I wouldn't know what to do without her. Somehow I have managed. And then there is a irrational fear. I am not even going to get into the irrational fear. It is scary and would takes days to explain.

Worry. That is something that goes along with fear. I have figured out that I will never stop worrying again. It is not something I dwell on but there is always worry in the back of my mind.

Then there is the proud feeling. Proud that my baby could smile, roll over, sit up. The list could go on and on. It is a heart swelling proud too. I am way prouder of the things Graham has accomplished in his short 7 months than I am of the things I have accomplished in 32 years. I know that sounds silly but that is why all the feelings are so indescribable.

Exhaustion. All those all nighters in college "studying" don't compare to the exhaustion I feel right now. I have been thinking about writing this blog entry for awhile but have been too tired to try to put it in words. I have heard that lack of sleep can be a form of torture. I completely understand why.

Joy! My days are filled with joy. Graham brings a smiles to my face each day. He even makes me smile at 4 a.m. I loved the way he would squish up his butt and stretch when he was tiny. I love the sweet smell of his head. I love his smile and belly laughs. I love how he hugs me and gives me drooly kisses. Everything about him brings me joy! He makes me a happier person each and every day.

Being a momma is just a whirlwind of emotions that no one could have ever described. Each day brings love, fear, worry, exhaustion, joy and much much more. Someone told me recently that being a mom is the hardest job that you will love to do. I think that is a perfect description.